SOUND (and) DOCTRINE

All-time great NBA Slam Dunk Contest dunks

(click for high-res)

Competitions for individuals who play team sports have mixed results. From Major League Baseball’s Home Run Derby, to the NBA’s vaunted Slam Dunk contest, the list of winners always looks the same - names of some of the game’s greats, right next to guys you couldn’t pick out at a Burger King, if they worked there and wore name tags.

(Come to think of it, where’s Desmond Mason? Everybody check your local BK.)

The photo above shows every man who’s been coronated the Association’s best dunker, in chronological order from left to right. Of course, you remember Dominique, Air Jordan, Kobe and Vince. They didn’t just make their respective Dunk Contests exciting, those Dunk Contests made them. For each of those four men, winning the Dunk Contest added to their legend.

MJ and Nique actually cared who won that trophy, resulting in some good, old-fashioned, WWII dogfighting. The Contest revealed Nique’s preternatural athletic ability, which became his calling card as one of the NBA’s great scorers, and gave us our first glimpse at exactly how competitive Michael Jordan was at everything.

At the Dunk Contest, a wide-eyed, 18-year old Kobe Bryant took his first step into Jordan’s footprints. I can almost hear it, “If Michael won the dunk contest, then I better win it too.” Whether you believe Bryant comparable to Jordan, the reason we compare them is because Kobe has compelled us to do so. He’s systematically lined himself up with MJ, and that plan started at the Dunk Contest.

Vince Carter’s Dunk Contest performance was so great (the greatest ever, in my opinion), it’s become my first line of defense against his detractors.

You: “Vince is too soft. He’s always injured and doesn’t care…”

Me: “Yeah, but you can never take away what he did in 2000 Dunk Contest.”

In each case, there was a symbiotic relationship between dunker and contest. The contest added classic memories, giving the event buoyancy, and the player added an important accomplishment to their résumé. What you forget, is that sandwiched between and around those 4 players are some of the most forgettable players and performances in what’s supposed to be a weekend of All-Stars.

Fred Jones? Gerald Green? The aforementioned Desmond Mason? I legitimately forgot those guys even “competed.” What’s a worse condemnation of the Dunk Contest? That Harold Miner won it twice or that Nate Robinson has won it three times?

Which brings us to this year’s extravaganza. Which will it be? A future great adding to his legacy, or a guy you’ll struggle to remember in three more Februaries?

Blake Griffin has done his best to murder and kill basketball hoops all over the country this season, and in front of his new hometown crowd, he’s got to be the odds on favorite in LA. But it’s not that easy. Milkshake is a phenomenal in-game dunker, but sometimes power dunks don’t translate well with the judges. Don’t forget, Shawn Kemp’s never won a dunk contest (TRAVESTY). Dr. J’s never won the dunk contest (HORROR).

However, to ensure seeing a future great feathering his cap, I have devised a plan. I e-mailed Blake Griffin and gave him the blueprint to what believe will guarantee his Dunk Contest victory. Normally, I would let you wait and see my master stroke on television, with your own eyes, but in case my e-mail got caught by one of them SPAM filters, I’ll copy and past it here:

To: Blake Griffin <Blake@Griffin.com>

From: Neil P. <NP@gotemcoach.com>

Dearest Milkshake,

I want you to win the Dunk Contest, because I detest watching random players win the trophy, just before slipping back into obscurity. In order to guarantee yourself a perfect 50, and a Dunk Contest win, please follow these simple instructions:

Get somebody onto the court with you, and tell them to block your shot.

Dunk it on that person as hard as you can.

That’s it. You need to mash somebody. Straight boof it on someone’s head. I don’t care who it is. Get DeAndre Jordan. Ask Dwight Howard. He’s agreed to be a prop before.

Hell, get one of those kids who sit behind the basket, and wipe sweat off the floor. Have him try to block you with his circular mops, and just punch it on him. Knock him on his ass.

That’s a goddamn 50. Now, go do it. For us. Your fans.

Signed,

Neil P.

You can thank me later, America.

Signed,

Neil P.